dr carmen harra :: hayhouse radio :: carmen harra's wisdom from within radio show :: dr carmen harra on facebook :: dr carmen harra on twitter :: dr carmen harra on the huffington post :: dr carmen harra on youtube



As a little girl, you probably dreamt of your wedding day: How will the dress look? Where will the ceremony take place? Who will be the lucky man to sweep me off my feet? Many women dream of their perfect wedding from a very early age.

And this is a dream which, unlike the many other dreams we cherish as children, we don't give up on so easily. Maybe as a kid you wanted to be a police officer but you changed your mind about your career as you got older. But your dream of your wedding day never died; the flowers and the hundreds of guests and the beachside ceremony stayed with you until this day.

Maybe you did experience the perfect wedding day, just the way you've been imagining in your mind for years. But what happened after that day? One day cannot be an indication of an entire lifetime together with a person.

Your wedding sets you up for a marriage which you hope will be everlasting and ever-secure. Marriage is a vast and complex subject, and like all other elements of life, it can't be stagnant. A marriage changes over time and fluctuates through both positive and negative phases, and this is all normal. What is not normal, however, is that a marriage ends for reasons which could have been prevented.

Let me start by saying that the old way of doing things was better than the way we do things today. It's a known fact that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And although this is the sad reality of modern relationships, this didn't hold true a few generations ago. Think back to your grandparents: their marriage did stand the test of time, yet yours can't. Why? What changed in a matter of decades? Simply put, our mentality changed.

Nowadays, we place the ego before the "I do." We place ourselves, our needs, wants, and desires, way before the needs of the partner we call our "other half." Yet we still expect our marriage to work!

The stability of marriage is comprised of three C's: compatibility, commitment, and compromise. First, compatibility. We hear of many people marrying for interest and not for love. A woman might marry a man for his money or status, and vice versa. But when two people aren't compatible, and they marry for the wrong reasons, the marriage is almost guaranteed to end in divorce.

Next, commitment. Marriage is no walk in the park. You're becoming responsible for someone else's life and you're welcoming that person into your greatest intimacy. You have to prepare to commit to this person in the same way you commit to yourself - unconditionally.

Last, compromise: Marriage means you will have to let someone else be right half of the time. Not many people are prepared to be wrong, ever.

Without compatibility, commitment, and compromise, the bond of any marriage is all too easily broken. But there is one final factor which, when lacking, can lead any couple down the path of divorce: endurance. We've forgotten the meaning of "through thick and thin." In our modern society we regard people as interchangeable. We don't embrace our partner for their strengths and weaknesses, we only embrace what our partner can do for us. And when they make one mistake (as everyone will make mistakes sooner or later), we think "Plenty of fish in the sea. Time to move onto the next!" This becomes a recurring issue, and before we know if we find ourselves in a time crisis. I see many people in their 40's, without a partner, without a family, and they're desperate to fulfill their need for stability.

Some people don't understand that their partner isn't always to blame. Sometimes, they are to blame. When I see someone who can't get along with their significant other, someone who constantly fights with their best friend, who bickers every day with their family, I conclude that the people around them are not the ones at fault. There may be an imbalance within them that they have to deal with before they can have healthy relationships.

Freud hit it on the head when he said that it all goes back to your youth. What we experienced as children and young adults shapes the very course of our lives. If, as a child, you watched your parents fighting every day, and later divorcing, you're going to be affected by their behavior whether you acknowledge it or not. Then, later on in life you'll be given a choice, because everything in life is repetition and synchronicity: divorce like your parents did or do the opposite and work through your marriage. The choice becomes yours.

We may be born alone, but as soon as we enter this world we begin to develop relationships with everyone around us: from day one we are nurtured by our parents, taken care of by other family members, and once we grow a conscious mind we begin to pick and choose the relationships we want, like friends and acquaintances and even enemies. The relationships we decide to bring into our lives and how we decide to handle them say everything about us.

Perhaps our most important relationship in life becomes our marriage, because our marriage is our first real foundation for evolution: when we are married, we begin to build. We build a family, financial stability, our own identity, material possessions, etc. But what good does it to do build an empire if its foundations are shaky? It will only fall apart in time.

What we need to remember is that marriage takes work and we can't be lazy. We have to learn to compromise with our partner when they make a mistake, and not run away because we have no tolerance for error. No one is interchangeable, and when we realize this we can begin to make our marriages everlasting.



Creating a lasting, stable marriage is just that: a creation. So what's the secret to making sure that what you've created stands the test of time? The secret is that there is no secret. Every couple's situation is unique, but you can choose to adopt the right mentality to ensure you're doing your part to make it work.

  • 1.) Value Your Marriage: Think of your marriage-not your car or house-as your most important asset. You're the owner of your relationship, and you can mold your marriage into what you want it to become. My advice to my clients is to place their family life before their professional life. Today, many women have become career women, which is amazing! But the problem begins when their career overlaps onto their home life. Keep your marriage and your work separate, but always choose your marriage over your work.
  • 2.) Forgive Your Spouse: Your spouse will commit errors along the way. Some will be greater than others, but it's your responsibility to discern the grave errors from the minor mistakes. In general, we have to learn to practice forgiveness more often. And certainly practicing forgiveness in our marriage may very well save us from divorce.
  • 3.) Evaluate Why You Want to Stay Married: Getting married and staying married are two different stepping stones. If you are married, I want you to make a list of the ten reasons you want to stay in your marriage. These reasons may range from comfort to love to habit, and they are all valid reasons to stay married as long as they matter to you.
  • 4.) Develop the Unbreakable Bond: A bond is the glue of a marriage. Make yours unbreakable. This is more of a mental exercise; take on the mentality of "us against the world." No matter what life throws at you, think of you and your spouse as being inseparable. Affirm this every day without fear in your heart.
  • 5.) Don't Take Everything So Seriously: So what if your husband snores louder than fireworks going off, or if your wife has a problem with being way too tidy? These are traits which make them unique. Don't create reasons for arguments which aren't valid. Let your partner be who they are and admire them for both their strengths and weaknesses.
  • 6.) Envision the Future of Your Marriage: Don't take it day by day and hope that things will get better. Plan ahead in your marriage, as with anything else. Envision what your marriage will be like in 5, 10, even 20 years from now. What can you do each day to make sure that you and your spouse will still be satisfied by the relationship many years down the road?
  • 7.) Make Three Necessary Corrections: Any marriage, no matter how stable, can stand to use three improvements. Just as you improve your home, so too can you improve your relationship. Evaluate what three factors in your marriage need to be addressed and corrected or improved in some way. For example, maybe your partner doesn't trust you enough. Make it a point to speak with them about this issue right away and find a compromise to make it better.
  • 8.) Compromise, Compromise, Compromise: If your partner won your last disagreement, allow them to win this one. You won't always get your way, and understanding this is one of the first steps towards a beautiful marriage.
  • 9.) Simplicity is Key: We as humans overcomplicate absolutely every facet of life. As a rule of thumb, the simpler your marriage the more pure, genuine, and solid it will be. Don't seek to make your relationship too complex with false promises, negative emotions, or pretentious demands.
  • 10.) Worship with Your Spouse: The family that prays together stays together. Whether you're Jewish or Christian or just Spiritual in creed, worship with your spouse. Even if they're of a different religion, take turns observing the holidays sacred to each of you. Solidifying your common beliefs will deepen your relationship and will bring you both closer to Spirit.
  • 11.) Form Habits Together: Here's a thought for change - do things together! Take up a new habit with your spouse, such as a new exercise routine you can both enjoy or a new craft you know they'll be interested in. This will lead to new conversation, more mutual interests, and those tender moments which later become cherished memories.
  • 12.) Return to the Beginning: Go back in time. Try to remember what made you fall in love with this person from the day you met them. What qualities made you especially interested in them? These qualities are still alive in your spouse, but maybe they're temporarily overshadowed by anger, bitterness, or frustration. See past their negative emotions and dig deep to rediscover their greatest qualities, the ones you fell in love with from day one.
  • 13.) Prioritize Your Marriage: Don't let your marriage fall behind other elements of life. Remember that this is the one person in the entire world you decided to embark on a journey with. That journey is your marriage, and it isn't meant to end here. Place it back as your first priority, as it was when you began your journey.



As Excerpted from my Book, Everyday Karma

  • 1.) Never yell at each other.
  • 2.) Don't be angry at the same time. If you have a conflict, let your partner talk and listen to what he or she is saying without letting your emotions take over.
  • 3.) Don't bring up mistakes of the past (like saying: "you always," "you never," or "this is just like the time you…").
  • 4.) Don't judge and don't criticize. If you must bring a weakness to their attention, do so lovingly.
  • 5.) If you say or do something wrong, admit it.
  • 6.) Then ask for forgiveness, and mean it.
  • 7.) Never go to sleep with unsettled arguments (this is an oldie but a goodie).
  • 8.) Say something kind, loving, and complimentary to your partner every day.
  • 9.) Sometimes, let your partner win. Don't be so set on being "right" at the price of your relationship.
  • 10.) Express love every day, and allow your partner to give it by receiving it gratefully.

Wishing you eternal love,
Dr. Carmen Harra

Dr. Carmen Harra

predictions  ::  contact media :: carmen harra :: carmen harra on facebook :: carmen harra twitter :: you tube :: contact dr. carmen harra