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20 Steps to Get Over an Ex

"Love never dies a natural death…It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.
It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
~Anais Nin

From my own personal experience as a psychologist and intuitive of more than 20 years, I can tell you that there's nothing more difficult than guiding someone through a breakup; our subconscious tendency is not to want to let go. Oftentimes, we might not even know how to let go. Our problem then becomes holding onto a person who's no longer interested or who's already moved on. And it can be very unhealthy to be stuck on someone who doesn't reciprocate what we're feeling. But there are certain steps we can take to mentally and emotionally free ourselves from a former partner.

For those of you who have recently gone through a breakup or divorce and you feel confused as to what are your ex partner's intentions towards you, this is the time so sit down and evaluate your situation. Given, we all experience a period of temporary disillusionment after a break up, especially if we weren't the one who ended the relationship. For a while, we experience a phase of denial: No, this can't be happening, he'll be back. It's just a break, we're not over. These sorts of thoughts are completely normal after we've just lost the person we love, because we're still in shock. Sometimes it is just a break, and your partner is back in your arms before you know it. But other times the breakup lasts forever. And to be able to distinguish between the two can make a world of a difference in how your life and well-being play out into the future.

You may be having trouble getting over a person, or perhaps you need help reestablishing your identity after a long relationship. You may also be subconsciously blocking yourself from meeting a new person because you're still stuck on a former love. The following 20 steps can help you sort through the heap of emotions you may be experiencing.

20 Steps To Get Over an Ex and Heal From a Breakup:

  • 1.) Let it Out: It's perfectly fine to cry, weep, scream, feel devastated, and so on, after a breakup. After all, it's a major life change that you're undergoing. Let out your emotions, you can't keep them in and it's not healthy to do so because negative emotions can turn into physical illness. There's no shame in crying. My father used to say, "The star that cries the hardest, shines the brightest."
  • 2.) Seek Others: Don't be afraid to seek the help of your friends and family. If you need to talk to someone, call a friend and speak away your sadness. You shouldn't have to go through this alone; you need a shoulder to lean on in the course of a breakup. Even a five-minute chat with a pal or sibling can cheer up your day!
  • 3.) Break an Old Habit: At the same time that you let go of your ex, also let go of a bad habit, such as smoking, drinking, your behavior towards others, poor eating habits, etc. In time, your mind will associate the breakup with letting go of something negative, and you'll learn to appreciate both the breakup and the effort you made to eliminate a bad habit.
  • 4.) Develop a New Habit: In change for the bad habit, take up a new, productive habit, like swimming, painting, a new class, joining a charity, learning a new craft, or learning a new language. Anything which can contribute to your physical, mental, or spiritual betterment is worth trying to take your mind off of the situation.
  • 5.) Allow a New Person to Take up Your Time: This is not to say that you'll find the next love of your life as you're going through a breakup, or that this is recommendable, but there's nothing wrong with making this the time of your life when you go out, meet new people, and make new friends to share your time with.
  • 6.) Pray: Prayer is designed to soothe our souls. When we pray, the effect is almost magical; we instantly feel relieved. There is nothing more healing than saying a heartfelt prayer to the Divine and asking for what you wish most in life. What's even more nourishing, though, is feeling the unlimited love and compassion with which Spirit will feed your soul.
  • 7.) Write Letters to Your Ex: Which you will never send, of course! Pretend that you have the opportunity to write everything you want to say in a hand-written letter to your former love. What would be the last words you'd like to say to him or her? What do you feel is necessary to get off your chest?
  • 8.) Take Salt Baths: Salt is the ultimate cleanser of energy. My mother used to say that if I ever received a gift from a person I knew didn't have genuine intentions towards me, I should wash it in salt to purify the energy. Your body needs to be purified, because during a breakup you're experiencing an overload of emotions and energies. Take a hot bath in sea salt and allow the micro crystals to sweep away your energetic burdens.
  • 9.) Get Rid of His Things/His Gifts: There's no reason to keep gifts given to you by your ex, as nice as they may be! Don't worry, you'll get better ones. But don't throw anything out - rather, donate any gifts your ex gave you to a good cause. Also give away your former partner's belongings still lingering around your house. There's really no need to keep those! They only serve as constant reminders of your ex.
  • 10.) Resolve Your Karma: Does your breakup seem like a case of déjà vu? Do you attract the same people in your lives over and over again, only to be pinned down in the same cycle of heartbreak in the end? You might have some karma to resolve, and to do so you'll have to introspect on a deeper level. Try to go within you and find out the reason why you keep bringing in the same, unpleasant situations as before. Is it fear that's keeping you stuck? Did you not learn your lesson from the first partner who treated you this way, so you keep getting the same type of partners? In school, we have to graduate one grade before advancing onto the next. In life, the same principle holds true: you have to learn a lesson and find closure to a chapter of life before moving onto the next. Otherwise, you end up repeating the same classes time and time again!
  • 11.) Write a "Cons" List: What was so great about him, anyway! Sure, you might've been really attached to your ex, but didn't you always know you could do better? Distinguish the things you truly miss about this person from the things you're much better off not being put through. Create a list of only "cons," in which you write down all the things you didn't appreciate about your ex, and without which you're actually better off!
  • 12.) Read Inspirational Stories: If you've ever opened up the Bible and read the Book of Job, you know what I'm referring to. It instantly mends your heart. Buy a good book with real, inspirational stories inside which can offer you some healing right now. It always helps to know that you're not the only one going through these kinds of tests in life. When you read about stories similar to yours, you instantly feel relief and empowerment.
  • 13.) Exercise: Movement naturally releases feel-good hormones in our brain, and is truly the best medicine during a time of pain. Even if you're feeling down, push yourself to go for a brisk 20-minute walk or jog or even exercise in your own home if the weather's not favorable. Besides, if you happen to run into your ex again or he wants to reconcile with you, you'll want to make sure you look amazing!
  • 14.) Treat Yourself: You deserve it! Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, a new pair of shoes, or even a cup of gourmet coffee on your way home from work. Show yourself that you love yourself and believe in your own powers to overcome this difficult time.
  • 15.) Understand the Greater Purpose: You have to understand that nothing in life happens by accident. Even if you're hurting right now, your breakup happened for a real reason and you'll understand the bigger scope in time. I have many clients who feel drained and depressed right after a breakup, only to call me some time later and say, "Thank God that my ex is out of my life, I'm with this perfect guy now!" Try to see past your pain and see the karma you needed to fulfill in this relationship: every person who comes into our lives offers us a lesson to learn. Whether we choose to acknowledge this and learn our lessons becomes up to us.
  • 16.) Think Rationally: Don't go into anxiety mode - your rational mind needs to be dominant right now. If you let your logic slip, your negative emotions could take over. Every time you think of what happened and start to feel anxious, stop yourself and think instead of the many ways you're better off without your ex in your life.
  • 17.) Adopt a Pet: Adopting a cuddly creature can bring you love and warmth at a time when you may feel alone. If you feel that you can devote time to a pet and take care of it properly, this may be the perfect solution to alleviate your grief. Animals offer us endless love and affection, and that's what you need right now!
  • 18.) Take Care of Yourself: Just because you're going through a breakup doesn't mean you have to stop taking care of yourself. Don't stop dying your hair, doing your nails, or putting time into yourself just because you're saddened. On the contrary, you should be most motivated to focus on yourself now that you're time's freed up.
  • 19.) Don't Check Up on Him: No need to check Facebook, Twitter, or any other social network to see what he's up to. If he's the one you broke your heart, he doesn't deserve to be "checked up on," he's fine.
  • 20.) Don't Repeat: Be careful of whom you attract in your life next! If your intuition tells you it'll end up in the same scenario like last time, stay away. The great thing about being newly single is that you can pick and choose who you want to be with when it comes time for a new relationship. Make sure your karma with your ex is completely resolved, though, before entering a new relationship, and make sure that you've really left the past in the past.

A breakup can be one of the most difficult experiences of life, but with the right thinking, it can actually make us stronger, better people. Put these 20 steps into action if you're going through a breakup or have been long broken up but still need to detach yourself from the person. And whenever it gets tough, remember that you're stronger, wiser, and more incredible than you've ever imagined.

Yours in Love and Service,
Dr. Carmen Harra

Dr. Carmen Harra

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